Not so bright
As far as opening lines to a match report go, Neil Ashton’s ‘They will never live it down’ in The Sun on Chelsea’s defeat to Tottenham is ballsy. They might just manage to live down one defeat if they, y’know, win the bloody title.
Muck off
If you watched Tottenham’s 2-0 win over Chelsea on Wednesday night, the chances are that you will have heard a few naughty words. Those football hooligans were out in force at White Hart Lane.
Matthew Dunn of the Daily Express was among the many to witness the ugly scenes. He brings us his view:
‘”Did you cry at Stamford Bridge?” was one chant from the away end.
‘Followed by, give or take, “2-0 and you mucked it up”.
Give an ‘f’ and take an ‘m’, to be precise.
Oh no, N’Golo
Writes Ian Ladyman in the Daily Mail:
‘Kante was his usual impressive, industrious self here at White Hart Lane. There will not have been many players from either team who had more touches of the ball or ran more yards.’
Players from either team __with more touches than Kante: 11
Players from either team who ran more yards than Kante: 11
Just Kidding
Before Thursday morning, it is likely that you were unaware of Dave Kidd’s intense hatred of Claudio Yacob. But The Sun‘s man cannot hide his feelings anymore.
‘Revenge, served freezing cold on a brass monkey’s night as Chelsea’s bid to create history was brought to a juddering halt, just as Tottenham’s title bid last season was wrecked in the Battle of Stamford Bridge.
‘Dele Alli wasn’t there on that tempestuous night in West London. The Tottenham and England breakthrough star of the season was banned for punching a West Brom defender a week earlier.’
To not name Yacob is one thing, but Kidd cannot hide his disdain as he refers to the Argentinean midfielder as a ‘West Brom defender’.
You can almost taste the contempt.
Crooks shanks
Say what you like about Garth Crooks, but it wouldn't be the same without him. pic.twitter.com/s9zDTUsFFu
— Football365 (@F365) January 5, 2017
Oh, Garth.
‘Stoke City have a history of signing great keepers, notably former England internationals Gordon Banks and Peter Shilton. Although I wouldn’t put Grant in that bracket, he’s proved to be an exceptional acquisition.’
So Lee Grant is not quite as good as Gordon Banks or Peter Shilton. Next.
‘If Koeman decides that Barkley is the future and makes purchases in areas other than central midfield during the transfer window it could prove to be a seminal moment for both of them.’
There are two definitions of the word ‘seminal’. It is of vital importance to work out which one Garth means.
‘If anyone had any doubts that the Premier League is the best in the world they can disabuse themselves of that notion now.’
Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas.
Headline act
It’s Thursday, the first day without any Premier League football for 427 months, and so the fall-out from the constant stream of games should be able to drag the football media through for a few more days, yes? Particularly __with the January transfer window firmly opened, this should be a busy month indeed.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the main headlines on some leading websites. A reminder that this is at lunchtime, so peak time for traffic and delicious clicks.
‘Is that a tracksuit or a road marking? Pogba dons bizarre outfit as £89m Man United star pops out for dinner’
The Daily Mirror go with ‘man eats food’. The story is top of their football homepage.
”Crazy market’ could see Jose Mourinho favourite Javier Hernandez sold in January’
The Metro regale us with tales of Javier Hernandez possibly leaving Bayer Leverkusen. Erm…
‘Antonio Conte: This is how Chelsea will bounce back from defeat at Tottenham’
By trying to win their next games. Thank you, Daily Star.
Happy
‘Jose Mourinho’s love-in at Old Trafford underlines how he and Pep Guardiola have gone through a dramatic role reversal.’
So begins Ken Lawrence’s extensive feature on Manchester’s two managers in The Sun. ‘Trading places’ is the headline; ‘JOSE HAPPY, PEP GLUM’ the sub-headline.
The piece includes lines such as:
‘At one stage Mourinho, looking muddled and confused, was seven places behind him in the table.
‘Now Pep says he is getting ready to walk away from the game and it is he who looks sad and screwed up – while Mourinho, 53, is blowing kisses in every direction.’
‘That depressed message from the moody Blue…’
‘Unlike Mourinho, he does not talk of his love for his players.’
‘Pep is not happy about being taken to task. He is discovering that money can’t buy you love. Mourinho is just loving it.’
Lawrence even refers to Mourinho as ‘the Pharrell Williams of Old Trafford’. Because he’s happy. Do you get it? DO YOU GET IT?
Is Lawrence aware of a thing called ‘the Premier League table?’ Where Manchester City are fourth, three points and two places ahead of Manchester United? We’re pretty sure that doesn’t make Jose Mourinho ‘happy’.
Oscar award
Brian Reade is angry, and he wants you to know about it. The subject of his exasperation this week is Oscar. He writes, in the Daily Mirror:
‘Look at this photo of Oscar landing at Shanghai airport and ask yourself if it fits in any way with a man walking into a job that pays £20.5million-a-year. It doesn’t, does it?’
The picture in question was similar to this.
Watch Oscar get MOBBED by excited Shanghai SIPG fans in China after completing £60million move from Chelsea https://t.co/TIJrAQiGDC pic.twitter.com/uc0wPTgMaD
— hardeyloye (@hardeyloye2) January 2, 2017
Quite what Reade was expecting, we do not know. How should ‘a man walking into a job that pays £20.5million-a-year’ look? Should Oscar have been throwing wads of cash at onlookers while wearing a gold chain and five expensive watches on each wrist?
‘It looks more like a man who’s been focused all his life on being the best footballer that he can, winning the biggest titles by playing with, and against, the world’s best players – who, at 25, has sold his soul.’
To be honest, it looks more like a man who is perhaps feeling shy and introverted, maybe even humbled, by the fact that hundreds of people have gathered to greet him. It might be a little overwhelming, you see.
But no. Oscar is a scoundrel because he didn’t smile enough after being greeted by crowds of strangers after a long flight.
Jack the lad
Writes John Cross in the Daily Mirror:
‘Arsene Wenger has had to put Arsenal’s transfer plans on hold until their contract stand-offs with Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil are resolved.
‘Gunners’ boss Wenger remains confident that Ozil will eventually sign a new deal, but there are doubts over fellow star Sanchez – whose fury after Tuesday’s dramatic draw at Bournemouth, and two dropped points, spoke volumes.
‘The protracted negotiations with the pair are having a knock-on effect for other players.
‘Ozil and Sanchez both want pay-rises to more than £200,000 a week, which would impact on Arsenal’s finances as they look to negotiate new contracts with the likes of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jack Wilshere and plan their summer signings.’
Presumably, no-one has told Jack Wilshere himself that Arsenal are ‘looking to negotiate’ a new contract with him. Only three days ago, Cross revealed that the midfielder had ‘fresh doubts’ over his future with the Gunners, and on Christmas Day Cross reported that Wilshere was ‘fearing’ that his deal was expiring soon.
Put him out of his misery, John.
Just Matip
The Daily Mirror have some quite terrible news for Liverpool. David Maddock breaks it down:
‘Liverpool are bracing themselves for a fight with FIFA over a possible one-month ban for star defender Joel Matip.
‘The centre-half has been called up by Cameroon for the Africa Cup of Nations despite insisting he had retired from international football more than a year ago.’
This is huge. How will Liverpool cope?
Of course, the news will come as a shock to Matip more than anyone, considering Cameroon did not name him in their Africa Cup of Nations squad when they announced it early Wednesday evening. Panic over.
Done deal
*DONE DEAL KLAXON* https://t.co/3cP19OAGLm
— Mirror Football (@MirrorFootball) January 5, 2017
This is the big one, folks. Has Virgil van Dijk gone for £50million? Has Mamadou Sakho found a loving home? Have Everton stumped up the extra millions for Morgan Schneiderlin?
‘Fulham youngster heads out on loan to Hartlepool’
For fu…
Recommended reading of the day
Michael Cox on how Pochettino beat Conte’s 3-4-3.
Adam Hurrey reviews December.
Keith Hackett on referees.